The Heart-Lifting Power of Compliments
Hold onto all the praise that comes to you. Keep it close. It's your tonic against self-doubt.
Did you know today, January 24, is National Compliment Day? “I’m on it,” you might be thinking. Minutes ago, you liked a post here, maybe even restacked it, quoting your favorite line. How easy it is to send a starburst of delight someone’s way. Let’s talk about the hard part: the praise you’ve earned from others. They cared enough to thank you for a difference you’ve made—a post that made them smile, a speech for their charity’s annual dinner, a sympathetic ear when you needed it most.
Where are you keeping those words? They need a home: your compliments file. Next time you doubt yourself, it will steady and guide you.
When I was the brand-new editor-in-chief of a women’s magazine with 3 million readers, a rumor went around that I was out of my depth and bound to fail. I had vacancies to fill, higher-ups demanding answers to a storm of urgent questions and advertisers pressing me for favors. A small but irate band of readers had just launched a boycott and captured the attention of the press. I projected confidence and courage, but after hours I wavered. Alone at my desk as night fell, I’d think of how little I knew about the challenges at hand. I’d spent the past 11 years as a freelance writer, working the phone in my sweats while other contenders for this job were presenting in boardrooms. Did I have what it took to succeed?
I reached for the manila folder that always sat within arm’s reach. It brimmed with fan mail from my writing days: “Dear Rona, your story gave me the courage to leave an abusive husband.” “Dear Rona, your story inspired me to leave a dead-end job and start a business that I’m loving.”
These letters reinforced my sense of purpose. Each woman who wrote was speaking for others who passed my story on to a friend or brought it to her therapist, folded and refolded, with a secret that demanded to be heard: “This happened to me, and I never told anyone.” These women already looked to me for leadership. Now they were responding to my first editorial. “Welcome, welcome!” wrote one.
My first confidence file dates back to 1994, the snail-mail era. My current virtual file is even more bracingly useful, always with me when I need a boost. It holds testimonials from keynote speeches, email from readers who loved Starter Dog, and my favorite reviews from Amazon or social media (the only reviews most authors can expect).
If you don’t give speeches or have a book in the marketplace, you’re by no means out of luck. Go through your Substack posts. See what your biggest fans have to say about your work. I’m betting you’ll find gems for your confidence file—and I can prove it. In a quick scan of several newsletters I follow, I found an abundance of comments any writer would prize.
From
’s bouquet of compliments at Writer, Interrupted:“I hope you have an absolute avalanche of paid subscribers!”
“Such a beautifully written essay. I was very moved by it.”
“You are a deeply compassionate person. I'm grateful your Substack has grown to reach more people and showcase your beautiful work.”
A few flowers from
’s vase:“Every time I see you on Zoom, you are always so happy and generous and open. Clearly you are doing something right.”
“This was fantastic, Holly. Your writing is beautiful. The feeling behind your words is moving. And the way you weave it all together is exceptional. A very engaging piece.”
“Thank you for always being such a brave writer! You inspire me.”
And look what turned up at
’s doorstep:“Absolutely delightful piece. The connection between words and places is heartwarming.”
“Ann, you have captured so much in this piece, not only with your words but also with your beautiful photographs.”
“What a wealth of information in one post and what a beautiful photo.”
With all three writers, I could have gone on. And of course there are gardens upon gardens of writers where I could have turned for comments worth keeping.
The best things people say about your work—your writing or anything else—are like the sweetest, funniest things your children say. If you don’t record them, chances are you’ll forget. How about the worst things people say—the angry client on your case, the disappointing feedback from a boss, the high-and-mighty reader putting you down? Bet you remember every word.
It’s been more than 40 years since my worst performance review, and I still remember the operative word: “mediocre.” When my boss praised me, I forgot. What lives in my memory is that one soul-crushing word.
We’re wired to remember signs of danger. If we weren’t, the first humans would have been in trouble. They’d have been so enchanted by sunsets, they wouldn’t have noticed the ravening beasts. In their world, a bias toward the negative made good evolutionary sense. In our world, it’s a needless downer.
Have I convinced you to start a compliments file? This I know for sure: It’s time to update mine. Compliments bloom every day at Substack. I’m all for leaving posies, but let’s not forget to pick our own.
Have you witnessed the power of compliments, either given or received? Has anyone told you something that fortifies you many years later? Have you found solace in a letter from a mentor? The floor is open.
Rona, I can’t possibly thank you enough for this post. I’m thrilled that you quoted some of the amazing things people have written in my comments section. I feel incredibly blessed to have readers who are so generous with their praise. You are among them, of course. I try hard to recognize and appreciate all comments. And I keep going back to make sure that I didn’t miss anyone. My apologies if I have.
You’re so right about human nature and negativity bias. I have spent decades beating myself up - sometimes literally, giving myself bruises on my arms and legs - because I internalized the negative things people said to me. And I have lived with self-doubt forever. But Writer, interrupted has given me a huge boost in confidence. I love my readers. They give me the courage to do my very best work.
Thank you again for your support and kindness. It means the world to me.❤️
Rona, what a gift. Thank you. It was such a wonderful experience to read the words that I had taken in and cherished and, as you pointed out, forgotten. Even as I knew you’d scanned my comments sections, I thought, Where did she uncover these treasures I’d let be buried?
I’m touched. And oh my goodness, there have been days of late that I’ve really needed a compliments file. I’ll start one with these gems.