Rona! This is beautiful ♥️ Cheers to you and yours for 54 years!!
And to answer your question- I’m an Us, just celebrated 13 years. Whenever I feel like I’m fed up, I look at him and see the foundation we built. I remember and I fall in love again. I tried to leave once, at the 7 year mark. It was the 4th day after I’d announced during a horrible fight that I was done and wanted out, he’d packed his bags and left them in the living room as he’d be leaving the next morning. I saw those bags and I felt a cracking sensation inside my chest, the breath knocked out of me at the sight of his almost leaving. I called him and told him to come home from work immediately, we were going to fix this. And we did. We chose us.
Marriage is by far the hardest and sometimes easiest thing I’ve ever done, but only because it’s with him. ♥️
Rona, how do you work this magic of making these mini monumental moments where each time I read is's as though you've written it straight into my heart?
Having had to finally give up on a significant Us, I'm so moved by your conviction.
This was the best mini marriage memoir, thank you for creating it and maintaining your Us-ness. 54 years, I applaud you!
I am in an Us. We dated for 9 months, engaged for 9 months, and now married 13.5 years at the time of this Us writing. When things are rocky, it usually because our communication has floundered and we have to find our way back to one another. We are in that stage of young children where one can sometimes barley hear themselves think, let alone their partner. I think I tell myself, in those hard thought moments: “We don’t give up on one another / Us”. Also, I heard recently (it was probably here on the brilliance of Substack) the best piece of advice I’ve heard about marriage thus far:
You have to treat each other like true best friends. That’s what you are. Best friends, going through life together (occasional romance sprinkled in.) When you stop being a good friend to your spouse, that’s where the danger seeps in.
We are heading into year 35 and doing pretty well overall, I’d say! This was such an emotional piece. I will read it again when I get home to Switzerland tonight. ❤️
Our marriage is 30 years in. We are indeed a country of two people with arcane customs and rituals. I wonder what it would be like to sleep on the right side of the bed? Why do we have to keep the pans in that drawer instead of the one by the stove? And then all of the shared looks and smiles, the anticipations of each other’s movements. Good luck for an outsider trying to figure out our secrets.
Oct 23, 2023·edited Oct 23, 2023Liked by Rona Maynard
Hello my new (almost) daily inspirer.
Now I understand why you responded to my wedding photo on my anniversary of 35 years. Yes, I count myself among the fortunate beyond words who has made it to this point with a man I love.
My one and only book is about how music, poetry, and Paris can drive love to madness, and stay with you for a lifetime if left without closure. When my husband (not the Frenchman) smiled at me at a Harvard Square newsstand, I knew it was the real thing. (I hope you don't mind my copying a few lines here to make my point, and yours, I hope.)
"Michael didn’t write poetry or love letters the way Luc had, but every cell of his body incarnated his attachment to me, and every day his small and large actions expressed his love in the present, physical world. He didn’t share Luc’s passion for music, but my sweetheart could lull me to sleep with a few magical strokes of his fingertips on my forehead, and our limbs interlaced like baby animals when we slept. He rated the severity of my chronic back injuries by number (That looks like a seven to me), directed me back home every time I got hopelessly lost in my car on a flute job (pre-GPS), and patiently initiated me into the daunting world of computers by making a numbered list that began: “1. Turn computer on,” as he would do in later years with cell phones, palm pilots, iPods, digital cameras, and countless other gadgets that were techno-challenging to me. When we were trying to have a baby, he lifted me by the ankles after love-making to increase the odds of conception. Months later, when I was pregnant and sleepless, he ate bowls of Life cereal in bed with me at 2 a.m., and after our daughter was born, stuffed pillows under my elbows to ease back pain when I was nursing."
And there is more. But not much more in the actual book. As conversations with people inevitably turn to the memoir that took me 40 years to see in print, he usually pipes in, "Have you read my three pages?:)
Which always gets a laugh, and makes my eyes mist over once again to have landed in this couple.
Bravo once again on brilliantly "seeing into the life of things," Rona. (Wordsworth)
Love your husband’s line about the three pages. My husband gets the funniest lines in STARTER DOG, which has as much to do with marriage as it does with a dog.
Such a lovely read. My Us has been a thing since I was 15 and a freshman in high school. 50+ years later, I'm still figuring Us out, have no regrets, and still like the guy I met all those years ago. (Liking is very different than loving, but of course, the latter is essential too) What I've discovered is that the best way to nurture Us to to keep talking and keep sharing.
I love the sentence, "Every marriage is a country with a population of two." I'd add, with each its own language, too. Thank you for writing about your Us.
I love this honest and touching ode to the longly-weds. I think of my 32 year marriage the way I do about our old house of 26 years - there's always a mess, repairs are constant, there are still things we haven't unpacked, it needs a good purge and clean. But we love it, we live well (enough) in it, and it holds us close. A sometimes unruly and chaotic situation, but we keep at it for love of the flashes of beauty and the moments of contentment. It's enough.
Congratulations on 54 (53?) years! I have been an Us for 27 years. There have been some very low lows and some lovely elevations, and mostly a lot of humming along the even road, maneuvering the twists and turns as they come. One of the best things I have found is that, though we have some vastly differing views on certain things and there are topics we don't discuss because they cause unpleasantness, we genuinely like each other and enjoy spending our time together. Love is always there, bubbling under the surface, but remaining an Us takes dedication, no matter how much like and love is involved. At exactly halfway there, I cannot know if we will arrive at a 54th year as an Us, but I would like to think we will.
I’m betting on it. You two have clearly been tested. You have no illusions. You are able to hold fast to the love that binds you and let the other stuff go. Michele Obama has said she “couldn’t stand” Barack for 10 years, and I believe her. But they are one solid couple.
I love your story of "Us". My story did not have a happy ending and we parted after 21 years, 3 children, and a host of memories, some good, some bad, and some just plain vanilla. Upon reflection, as my divorce occurred almost 43 years ago which was longer than I was married, I think friendship and trust were missing in that first celebration. The brainy college yearbook editor married the college homecoming queen/cheerleader . She was smitten with his pipe smoking and he was taken with her extrovert personality. That's about all that drew us together except for an idealized notion of love, I suppose. I smiled thinking of Paul's trip to New Hampshire to pursue you. His love was strong enough to make you a believer in the notion that you two could make it. Marriage is hard and having the right partner is essential for the success along with the aforementioned ingredients . You made it! Congratulations! I have a dog named Huckleberry, a rescue also, who could be a twin to your Casey. He is my buddy and trusted friend. You gotta take those qualities in animals and people wherever and whenever you find them. Have a great day!
Hi, Huckleberry! As for marriage and belief, what a fascinating subject. If one spouse deeply and joyfully believes, it just might be enough to spark belief in the other. Paul and I were lucky to have recognized each other early.
44 for my marriage. We “celebrated” our 40th two weeks after going into lockdown in March 2020. We were glad to be safe and alive and spending that surreal time with someone we loved. Some moments I see the stark contrast in our personalities, and I wonder what the hell we are doing together. Other moments an uprising of astonished gratitude overwhelms me. We know one another’s eccentricities and drive each other mad with them. Yet there is a sweetness in the ultimate acceptance.
Rona! This is beautiful ♥️ Cheers to you and yours for 54 years!!
And to answer your question- I’m an Us, just celebrated 13 years. Whenever I feel like I’m fed up, I look at him and see the foundation we built. I remember and I fall in love again. I tried to leave once, at the 7 year mark. It was the 4th day after I’d announced during a horrible fight that I was done and wanted out, he’d packed his bags and left them in the living room as he’d be leaving the next morning. I saw those bags and I felt a cracking sensation inside my chest, the breath knocked out of me at the sight of his almost leaving. I called him and told him to come home from work immediately, we were going to fix this. And we did. We chose us.
Marriage is by far the hardest and sometimes easiest thing I’ve ever done, but only because it’s with him. ♥️
You fixed it! If you did it once, you can do it again.
Rona, how do you work this magic of making these mini monumental moments where each time I read is's as though you've written it straight into my heart?
Having had to finally give up on a significant Us, I'm so moved by your conviction.
Oh, thank you, Eileen. Readers like you are why I write. How it must have hurt to give up on that relationship.
This was the best mini marriage memoir, thank you for creating it and maintaining your Us-ness. 54 years, I applaud you!
I am in an Us. We dated for 9 months, engaged for 9 months, and now married 13.5 years at the time of this Us writing. When things are rocky, it usually because our communication has floundered and we have to find our way back to one another. We are in that stage of young children where one can sometimes barley hear themselves think, let alone their partner. I think I tell myself, in those hard thought moments: “We don’t give up on one another / Us”. Also, I heard recently (it was probably here on the brilliance of Substack) the best piece of advice I’ve heard about marriage thus far:
You have to treat each other like true best friends. That’s what you are. Best friends, going through life together (occasional romance sprinkled in.) When you stop being a good friend to your spouse, that’s where the danger seeps in.
Yes to best friends! Lockdown reminded us how incredibly lucky we were for each other’s company, humor and solace.
We are heading into year 35 and doing pretty well overall, I’d say! This was such an emotional piece. I will read it again when I get home to Switzerland tonight. ❤️
Newbies need to hear from longhaulers like me and you. Glad my essay touched you.
Our marriage is 30 years in. We are indeed a country of two people with arcane customs and rituals. I wonder what it would be like to sleep on the right side of the bed? Why do we have to keep the pans in that drawer instead of the one by the stove? And then all of the shared looks and smiles, the anticipations of each other’s movements. Good luck for an outsider trying to figure out our secrets.
Yes! Do you also have a private language of sorts? We talk about checking "the tempshitter" because that's what our son used to say, lifetimes ago.
We have a few words, yes. I’ll have to ask my wife if I’m allowed to write about them!
Spoken like a marriage long-hauler.
This was so beautiful! I’m on year 12 with my partner and I hope we can get to 53 like you two! Thank you for sharing this beautiful story.
Aww, thanks! When things get rough, just remember it happens to us all.
Simply wonderful, Rona. A long marriage is unexplainable in so many ways -- but somehow, you managed to capture it beautifully.
Of course you get it.
Hello my new (almost) daily inspirer.
Now I understand why you responded to my wedding photo on my anniversary of 35 years. Yes, I count myself among the fortunate beyond words who has made it to this point with a man I love.
My one and only book is about how music, poetry, and Paris can drive love to madness, and stay with you for a lifetime if left without closure. When my husband (not the Frenchman) smiled at me at a Harvard Square newsstand, I knew it was the real thing. (I hope you don't mind my copying a few lines here to make my point, and yours, I hope.)
"Michael didn’t write poetry or love letters the way Luc had, but every cell of his body incarnated his attachment to me, and every day his small and large actions expressed his love in the present, physical world. He didn’t share Luc’s passion for music, but my sweetheart could lull me to sleep with a few magical strokes of his fingertips on my forehead, and our limbs interlaced like baby animals when we slept. He rated the severity of my chronic back injuries by number (That looks like a seven to me), directed me back home every time I got hopelessly lost in my car on a flute job (pre-GPS), and patiently initiated me into the daunting world of computers by making a numbered list that began: “1. Turn computer on,” as he would do in later years with cell phones, palm pilots, iPods, digital cameras, and countless other gadgets that were techno-challenging to me. When we were trying to have a baby, he lifted me by the ankles after love-making to increase the odds of conception. Months later, when I was pregnant and sleepless, he ate bowls of Life cereal in bed with me at 2 a.m., and after our daughter was born, stuffed pillows under my elbows to ease back pain when I was nursing."
And there is more. But not much more in the actual book. As conversations with people inevitably turn to the memoir that took me 40 years to see in print, he usually pipes in, "Have you read my three pages?:)
Which always gets a laugh, and makes my eyes mist over once again to have landed in this couple.
Bravo once again on brilliantly "seeing into the life of things," Rona. (Wordsworth)
Love your husband’s line about the three pages. My husband gets the funniest lines in STARTER DOG, which has as much to do with marriage as it does with a dog.
Such a lovely read. My Us has been a thing since I was 15 and a freshman in high school. 50+ years later, I'm still figuring Us out, have no regrets, and still like the guy I met all those years ago. (Liking is very different than loving, but of course, the latter is essential too) What I've discovered is that the best way to nurture Us to to keep talking and keep sharing.
I love the sentence, "Every marriage is a country with a population of two." I'd add, with each its own language, too. Thank you for writing about your Us.
Yes to “its own language.” Ours was inspired by words our son used when he was tiny. Before heading out, we check the tempshitter.
I loved this post so much. Such wisdom. You put into words how my 30 years of US have survived. And hopefully 30 more.
Here’s to you and the other half of your Us.
I love this honest and touching ode to the longly-weds. I think of my 32 year marriage the way I do about our old house of 26 years - there's always a mess, repairs are constant, there are still things we haven't unpacked, it needs a good purge and clean. But we love it, we live well (enough) in it, and it holds us close. A sometimes unruly and chaotic situation, but we keep at it for love of the flashes of beauty and the moments of contentment. It's enough.
What a beautiful analogy. I promise not to steal it.
Loved this! Thank you for the inspiration.
Thanks for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed it, Deirdre.
Congratulations on 54 (53?) years! I have been an Us for 27 years. There have been some very low lows and some lovely elevations, and mostly a lot of humming along the even road, maneuvering the twists and turns as they come. One of the best things I have found is that, though we have some vastly differing views on certain things and there are topics we don't discuss because they cause unpleasantness, we genuinely like each other and enjoy spending our time together. Love is always there, bubbling under the surface, but remaining an Us takes dedication, no matter how much like and love is involved. At exactly halfway there, I cannot know if we will arrive at a 54th year as an Us, but I would like to think we will.
I’m betting on it. You two have clearly been tested. You have no illusions. You are able to hold fast to the love that binds you and let the other stuff go. Michele Obama has said she “couldn’t stand” Barack for 10 years, and I believe her. But they are one solid couple.
I love your story of "Us". My story did not have a happy ending and we parted after 21 years, 3 children, and a host of memories, some good, some bad, and some just plain vanilla. Upon reflection, as my divorce occurred almost 43 years ago which was longer than I was married, I think friendship and trust were missing in that first celebration. The brainy college yearbook editor married the college homecoming queen/cheerleader . She was smitten with his pipe smoking and he was taken with her extrovert personality. That's about all that drew us together except for an idealized notion of love, I suppose. I smiled thinking of Paul's trip to New Hampshire to pursue you. His love was strong enough to make you a believer in the notion that you two could make it. Marriage is hard and having the right partner is essential for the success along with the aforementioned ingredients . You made it! Congratulations! I have a dog named Huckleberry, a rescue also, who could be a twin to your Casey. He is my buddy and trusted friend. You gotta take those qualities in animals and people wherever and whenever you find them. Have a great day!
Hi, Huckleberry! As for marriage and belief, what a fascinating subject. If one spouse deeply and joyfully believes, it just might be enough to spark belief in the other. Paul and I were lucky to have recognized each other early.
44 for my marriage. We “celebrated” our 40th two weeks after going into lockdown in March 2020. We were glad to be safe and alive and spending that surreal time with someone we loved. Some moments I see the stark contrast in our personalities, and I wonder what the hell we are doing together. Other moments an uprising of astonished gratitude overwhelms me. We know one another’s eccentricities and drive each other mad with them. Yet there is a sweetness in the ultimate acceptance.
Congratulations and Cheers! Beautiful love story and tribute to you both 💕
Thank you, Joan. Marriage is a creative act to me.