Have a wonderful trip, Rona. I, too, would ask, was Paul angry that you left him behind? The kiss on arrival gave me a clue, that if he was, he'd recovered. My favorite part of your essay today is that you DID leave him behind. I don't know if I could have made that bold choice. My codependence runs deep. I leave things behind on occasion, but I tend to do that with things I know I won't return to. Big difference. In addition to codependence, I'm conflict avoidant too!
"I threw myself on the carpet, like a toddler headed for a long time out, and let loose an operatic howl." Did you really? Is it weird that I can picture that vividly, and also not at all? Rona, the more I get to know you, the more fascinating you become. So much love to you. xo
Yes, I totally lost it. No exaggeration. I howl in moments of extreme frustration. And no, he wasn’t angry at all. He was relieved. If you’re trying to find something, you do NOT want a hectoring, weeping spouse on your case.
You two really get each other. How amazing to witness a relationship that feels feelings and moves forward as individuals and as partners. Thank you for your honesty here and always. And send Paul my love (even though we've yet to meet). xo
Oh Rona, this brings back an occasion I had long forgot. I was keen to explore England when we got here and my husband concurred, but it was never the right moment. So I did some research, looked at a map and saw where was the closest bit of good countryside to London and said, right, we're going there this weekend. I chose a town to head for. He said fine, but on Friday he said he had some work he had to do. Right, I said, I am going ahead and you can meet me tomorrow.
I headed to the railway with my bag, our three year old daughter and her stroller. Great move! Only, we had to change trains (we didn't own a car) and the passenger announcement system was terrible while I struggled with all the things (and daughter) and we ended up taking the wrong train to a completely different place. Worse than that, there were no hotels available where we had landed, because there was a big conference on. I remember sitting in the railway cafe waiting for the train to take us back to the junction, very very low and my daughter said, "don't worry, Mummy, I'll look after you".
Brings tears to my eyes writing this. Eventually, we got on the right train, arrived in the town too late to stroll around to look for a B&B, so I looked in a telephone directory and chose a hotel by its name. Turned out to be an old-fashioned residential hotel for old people, but they were very nice, offered to send a car to get us and gave us a lovely room and breakfast. We lowered the average age by miles. Daughter well fussed over.
Husband arrived the next morning with a big smile and we had a lovely weekend. The place I had chosen was the Peak District, not much known in those days but better known now, and a gorgeous area of England.
We do need to assert ourselves from time to time. The mother of a friend in school (she reminded me of Auntie Mame) once pronounced "A woman should assert herself early in the marriage!". That was funny at the time, but also very right.
Ann, what a delicious travel mishap. Vacation disasters are a whole storytelling category, and I may share another in the fullness of time. But back to yours: I particularly like your daughter’s promise to look after you.
This piece literally made me cry. For your poor husband! (Joking.) No, I cried because it was such a brave and generous gesture, for you both. Someone said: there is no such thing as one way liberation. There. You took off and suddenly, everyone was free. I’ll never forget this.
Yet another gem, Rona. You're very rare as a substacker in that you really know how to generate responses. I have an amazing passport story (coming home from Provence to Boston) to share in its short version here: Convinced I had left it behind in my sock drawer made us 1) turn the taxi around, 2) miss the train to Paris, 3) miss our flight to the USA from Paris, all with two cats teetering in their carriers balanced on our carry-ons - one with a broken wheel 4) made us stay over night in Paris at a crappy motel far from the airport because airport ones would not accept our two meowing cats that kept us up all night, and 4) buy spend $3,000 on new flights thru Amsterdam.
And the punch line? The passport was in my bag all along.
Julie, this one’s a classic. If you haven’t written it and let the humor breathe, you must. I too have a travel story about a “lost” wallet that was in my purse all along. Your story is more deliciously outrageous. The logistics of travel make some of us terribly anxious (aka error-prone).
I have to admit, it wouldn't have occured to me to head off on my own .. but letting a grown up be a grown up is a thought that's impossible to unthink 😛🙌🙏
This so reminds me of a Roald Dahl short story, the name of which I've forgotten, in which an elderly couple living in a townhouse in Manhattan are about to embark on their three-month winter cruise, having dismissed the servants and turned off the fridge etc. The wife, forever punctual, is exasperated because her husband always finds reasons not to be on time--just to torture her. She knows this as she waits impatiently in the limousine that will take them to the ocean liner. I don't want to give the rest away, but it's one of Dahl's twisted tales. Of course his couple's dynamic is quite different from yours, but there are overlapping exasperations to be felt in both tales. I assume this time the passport is already packed. I envy your certain visit to the Prado, with all its Velazquez, Dürer, Bosch, Zurbaran, and Goya paintings, including that adorable Goya dog.
Roald Dahl! Been ages since I heard any mention of his fiction for grownups, which delighted me in early adolescence. I was a great fan of Alfred Hitchcock Presents; some thrillingly creepy episodes were based on stories by Dahl (and his twisted countryman John Collier). I might have read that story you mention.
This happened to me and led to divorce. It wasn’t the only thing, but was the final thing. We were about to go abroad for 3 months. The 4am we were due to leave he couldn’t find his passport. Rather than miss both flights we decided together I should go on ahead. He followed a week later (same, weekly flight). My revelation wasn’t so much about the fact it was not my problem that he as a grown man could not find his passport - I haven’t learned that lesson as just this morning my 15 yr old son was in a temper because he couldn’t find his lanyard and as usual I found it in 10 seconds flat). But the result certainly was. I was in my mid 30s and had never travelled on my own before. I absolutely revelled in it. Dinner on my own, enjoying a sunset. Travelling without having to think about anyone else. Meeting completely different people than normal and finding it so much more interesting. I realised I preferred the travelling without him. When he finally turned up he spent most of the time watching football in a bar. I had a friend with a boutique hotel, I started helping in the hotel kitchen. Which also helped change the whole direction of my working life. So the missing passport was pretty seminal for me.
Catherine, as a new reader with an interesting story, you had me browsing your stack. I see you write cookbooks and hope you write about this revelation one day. I’d love to read it and doubt I’m the only one.
My ex would often wait until a plane was boarding to decide he had to use the men’s room—and not in the standing kind of way. Many a time he left me holding the tickets at the gate (back when we had those) wondering if we were going to make last call. Eventually, I learned to give him his own ticket, so that I could board the plane with or without him. Bravo Rona!!
Love this, Beth. You remind me of a couple we knew who always took separate cabs to the airport. He hated standing around, she dreaded missing the flight. The cost of that second cab was an investment in serenity.
Rona, Rona, Rona! Of course, you’re a rising star on Substack. Your story is clever, funny, and just what I needed. Apparently, a lot of us needed this story.
Early in our marriage, my husband said, If you return something to the place where you got it, you’ll never forget. Except, of course, sometimes, you do forget. Lol. One thing I love about a long relationship is the privilege of doing things without the other and not having any regrets, misgivings, or hurt feelings for either party. We often forget that while we are a couple, we’re also fiercely independent and different humans. Enjoy your trip! xo
What you say about the place of separateness in marriage is the hardest thing for young couples to understand. I wish someone had whispered in my ear. But I probably wouldn’t have listened.
What a terrific piece. It made me smirk. I would have done the same - left without my spouse. I’ve always travelled abroad alone, both for work and pleasure. Once in my 34 years I went with my husband. Had our one bag with all our tickets and identification stolen in Paris. Then took a houseboat down the Midi Canal with mistral winds so severe it nearly put us in divorce court. I vowed this was our last co-joined trip. This past year I threw caution to the wind and we took a trip abroad together once again. Although I’ve always travelled light with only carry-on, my physical fortitude isn’t what it used to be. You get my drift. It actually turned out rather well. Best trip ever. Rather redemptive. I think I could get used to traveling with a personal porter.
When I read “My mother sent two daughters out into the world” my dyslexic brain at first thought it read “out into the wild.” Same thing, sometimes I guess. And “brava” to you and your mother too. Congratulations on making that flight alone. Tough love never grows old.
Rona, it’s your writing yes, but even more so, the learning that you transcribe for us in your writing. It is like watching a film, right in front of me, of our own lives, mine and all of ours. Together, we are one. Your focus on the experience of being a woman in a world that was the man’s, that each woman is her own mother and ultimate council. Each person. Thank you for writing and living with such attention to the detail of our psyches, hearts and relationships, significant and otherwise. When you write, or rather, when I read your writing, I think of my dear, beautiful passionate mother. Thank you. Danielle Belec
Dear Danielle, how lovely to hear from you. Of course I thought immediately of Marilyn, a loyal and responsive reader for years., as well as a friend to my own mother. I'm glad you related to this essay and the conversation that it sparked.
My husband is the organized one in our partnership of 44 years. While not explicitly discussed, he is tired of this role. If I've misplaced my passport, I would expect him to go on without me. No problem! It's my own damn fault. Slightly more complicated now because I need to remember my passport on all flights unless I get one of those fancy drivers licenses.
As an aside, we each make our own separate dinners and often marvel what the other has created!
Liza, have you written about cooking separate dinners? We are firm believers in separate bathrooms, and I know of a couple who take separate cabs to the airport because they can’t agree how early (or late) to arrive. But you’re onto a new one, and I would love to read about it. In the early days of our long marriage, I thought my husband should cook half the dinners. He got out of it by cooking meals I couldn’t stand, like corned beef hash with canned meat and instant mashed.
I have a story about separate bedrooms. My daughter’s childhood friends apparently used to tell her to “be prepared for your parents to divorce”. She would always say it’s not on the horizon, and they would tell her it’s better to be prepared. She’s 25 now. I told her it’s BECAUSE separate bedrooms, and now that we’re empty nesters, separate bathrooms.
We both worked full time, so cooking dinner never really was a gender-based activity. Once we were empty nesters, it became easy to transition to separate meals. Husband Nick would say my strategy was to wait until he started his meal and then then take a peek and if I liked it ask if I could share! Now our tastes have diverged. I am more vegetarian, he likes red meat. He also eats a lot of fish, which I don't like. I do rise to the occasion when we entertain - he prepares the protein, I do the rest, including desserts. Our system works beautifully.
Have a wonderful trip, Rona. I, too, would ask, was Paul angry that you left him behind? The kiss on arrival gave me a clue, that if he was, he'd recovered. My favorite part of your essay today is that you DID leave him behind. I don't know if I could have made that bold choice. My codependence runs deep. I leave things behind on occasion, but I tend to do that with things I know I won't return to. Big difference. In addition to codependence, I'm conflict avoidant too!
"I threw myself on the carpet, like a toddler headed for a long time out, and let loose an operatic howl." Did you really? Is it weird that I can picture that vividly, and also not at all? Rona, the more I get to know you, the more fascinating you become. So much love to you. xo
Yes, I totally lost it. No exaggeration. I howl in moments of extreme frustration. And no, he wasn’t angry at all. He was relieved. If you’re trying to find something, you do NOT want a hectoring, weeping spouse on your case.
You two really get each other. How amazing to witness a relationship that feels feelings and moves forward as individuals and as partners. Thank you for your honesty here and always. And send Paul my love (even though we've yet to meet). xo
There are seasons in a long relationship. You learn to hang in through the winter.
That is very quotable. The best marriage advice I got, from a couple I've enjoyed being around for 3 decades now, is that there are hard years.
Nan shares my sentiments exactly!
Thank you, Amy!
Oh Rona, this brings back an occasion I had long forgot. I was keen to explore England when we got here and my husband concurred, but it was never the right moment. So I did some research, looked at a map and saw where was the closest bit of good countryside to London and said, right, we're going there this weekend. I chose a town to head for. He said fine, but on Friday he said he had some work he had to do. Right, I said, I am going ahead and you can meet me tomorrow.
I headed to the railway with my bag, our three year old daughter and her stroller. Great move! Only, we had to change trains (we didn't own a car) and the passenger announcement system was terrible while I struggled with all the things (and daughter) and we ended up taking the wrong train to a completely different place. Worse than that, there were no hotels available where we had landed, because there was a big conference on. I remember sitting in the railway cafe waiting for the train to take us back to the junction, very very low and my daughter said, "don't worry, Mummy, I'll look after you".
Brings tears to my eyes writing this. Eventually, we got on the right train, arrived in the town too late to stroll around to look for a B&B, so I looked in a telephone directory and chose a hotel by its name. Turned out to be an old-fashioned residential hotel for old people, but they were very nice, offered to send a car to get us and gave us a lovely room and breakfast. We lowered the average age by miles. Daughter well fussed over.
Husband arrived the next morning with a big smile and we had a lovely weekend. The place I had chosen was the Peak District, not much known in those days but better known now, and a gorgeous area of England.
We do need to assert ourselves from time to time. The mother of a friend in school (she reminded me of Auntie Mame) once pronounced "A woman should assert herself early in the marriage!". That was funny at the time, but also very right.
Ann, what a delicious travel mishap. Vacation disasters are a whole storytelling category, and I may share another in the fullness of time. But back to yours: I particularly like your daughter’s promise to look after you.
PS. Have a great trip!
This piece literally made me cry. For your poor husband! (Joking.) No, I cried because it was such a brave and generous gesture, for you both. Someone said: there is no such thing as one way liberation. There. You took off and suddenly, everyone was free. I’ll never forget this.
Thank you, Badass. I am honored. You’re absolutely right about liberation.
Beautiful and powerful. Saving the other is often suffocating the other. I've been guilty of that.
Who hasn’t? It takes a pretty steely soul to resist that protective impulse.
Yet another gem, Rona. You're very rare as a substacker in that you really know how to generate responses. I have an amazing passport story (coming home from Provence to Boston) to share in its short version here: Convinced I had left it behind in my sock drawer made us 1) turn the taxi around, 2) miss the train to Paris, 3) miss our flight to the USA from Paris, all with two cats teetering in their carriers balanced on our carry-ons - one with a broken wheel 4) made us stay over night in Paris at a crappy motel far from the airport because airport ones would not accept our two meowing cats that kept us up all night, and 4) buy spend $3,000 on new flights thru Amsterdam.
And the punch line? The passport was in my bag all along.
Julie, this one’s a classic. If you haven’t written it and let the humor breathe, you must. I too have a travel story about a “lost” wallet that was in my purse all along. Your story is more deliciously outrageous. The logistics of travel make some of us terribly anxious (aka error-prone).
I have to admit, it wouldn't have occured to me to head off on my own .. but letting a grown up be a grown up is a thought that's impossible to unthink 😛🙌🙏
This so reminds me of a Roald Dahl short story, the name of which I've forgotten, in which an elderly couple living in a townhouse in Manhattan are about to embark on their three-month winter cruise, having dismissed the servants and turned off the fridge etc. The wife, forever punctual, is exasperated because her husband always finds reasons not to be on time--just to torture her. She knows this as she waits impatiently in the limousine that will take them to the ocean liner. I don't want to give the rest away, but it's one of Dahl's twisted tales. Of course his couple's dynamic is quite different from yours, but there are overlapping exasperations to be felt in both tales. I assume this time the passport is already packed. I envy your certain visit to the Prado, with all its Velazquez, Dürer, Bosch, Zurbaran, and Goya paintings, including that adorable Goya dog.
Roald Dahl! Been ages since I heard any mention of his fiction for grownups, which delighted me in early adolescence. I was a great fan of Alfred Hitchcock Presents; some thrillingly creepy episodes were based on stories by Dahl (and his twisted countryman John Collier). I might have read that story you mention.
This happened to me and led to divorce. It wasn’t the only thing, but was the final thing. We were about to go abroad for 3 months. The 4am we were due to leave he couldn’t find his passport. Rather than miss both flights we decided together I should go on ahead. He followed a week later (same, weekly flight). My revelation wasn’t so much about the fact it was not my problem that he as a grown man could not find his passport - I haven’t learned that lesson as just this morning my 15 yr old son was in a temper because he couldn’t find his lanyard and as usual I found it in 10 seconds flat). But the result certainly was. I was in my mid 30s and had never travelled on my own before. I absolutely revelled in it. Dinner on my own, enjoying a sunset. Travelling without having to think about anyone else. Meeting completely different people than normal and finding it so much more interesting. I realised I preferred the travelling without him. When he finally turned up he spent most of the time watching football in a bar. I had a friend with a boutique hotel, I started helping in the hotel kitchen. Which also helped change the whole direction of my working life. So the missing passport was pretty seminal for me.
Catherine, as a new reader with an interesting story, you had me browsing your stack. I see you write cookbooks and hope you write about this revelation one day. I’d love to read it and doubt I’m the only one.
Thank you! I do intend to - bits and pieces do turn up in my food writing but this - well let’s just say I’m waiting for the right time!
My ex would often wait until a plane was boarding to decide he had to use the men’s room—and not in the standing kind of way. Many a time he left me holding the tickets at the gate (back when we had those) wondering if we were going to make last call. Eventually, I learned to give him his own ticket, so that I could board the plane with or without him. Bravo Rona!!
Love this, Beth. You remind me of a couple we knew who always took separate cabs to the airport. He hated standing around, she dreaded missing the flight. The cost of that second cab was an investment in serenity.
So wise and so beautifully written. Thank you.
Thanks for the smile.
Rona, Rona, Rona! Of course, you’re a rising star on Substack. Your story is clever, funny, and just what I needed. Apparently, a lot of us needed this story.
Early in our marriage, my husband said, If you return something to the place where you got it, you’ll never forget. Except, of course, sometimes, you do forget. Lol. One thing I love about a long relationship is the privilege of doing things without the other and not having any regrets, misgivings, or hurt feelings for either party. We often forget that while we are a couple, we’re also fiercely independent and different humans. Enjoy your trip! xo
PS Yes, your parents look miserable! :(
What you say about the place of separateness in marriage is the hardest thing for young couples to understand. I wish someone had whispered in my ear. But I probably wouldn’t have listened.
What a terrific piece. It made me smirk. I would have done the same - left without my spouse. I’ve always travelled abroad alone, both for work and pleasure. Once in my 34 years I went with my husband. Had our one bag with all our tickets and identification stolen in Paris. Then took a houseboat down the Midi Canal with mistral winds so severe it nearly put us in divorce court. I vowed this was our last co-joined trip. This past year I threw caution to the wind and we took a trip abroad together once again. Although I’ve always travelled light with only carry-on, my physical fortitude isn’t what it used to be. You get my drift. It actually turned out rather well. Best trip ever. Rather redemptive. I think I could get used to traveling with a personal porter.
First class, a personal porter and Relais et Chateaux. Glad you two found travel redemption.
Love your reply. Fun.🌸
When I read “My mother sent two daughters out into the world” my dyslexic brain at first thought it read “out into the wild.” Same thing, sometimes I guess. And “brava” to you and your mother too. Congratulations on making that flight alone. Tough love never grows old.
Yeah, same thing. Who sang “Baby, baby, it’s a wild world?” Glad to have you as a reader, Rafael.
Happy to read your work. It was Cat Stevens, who has changed his name, I think, to Yusef Islam.
What a perfect way to work it out. And wow that photo of your parents! It looks like a scene from a play.
Yes! I grew up on a stage set with many secrets behind the scenes.
Rona, it’s your writing yes, but even more so, the learning that you transcribe for us in your writing. It is like watching a film, right in front of me, of our own lives, mine and all of ours. Together, we are one. Your focus on the experience of being a woman in a world that was the man’s, that each woman is her own mother and ultimate council. Each person. Thank you for writing and living with such attention to the detail of our psyches, hearts and relationships, significant and otherwise. When you write, or rather, when I read your writing, I think of my dear, beautiful passionate mother. Thank you. Danielle Belec
Dear Danielle, how lovely to hear from you. Of course I thought immediately of Marilyn, a loyal and responsive reader for years., as well as a friend to my own mother. I'm glad you related to this essay and the conversation that it sparked.
Loved this essay about so many things.
My husband is the organized one in our partnership of 44 years. While not explicitly discussed, he is tired of this role. If I've misplaced my passport, I would expect him to go on without me. No problem! It's my own damn fault. Slightly more complicated now because I need to remember my passport on all flights unless I get one of those fancy drivers licenses.
As an aside, we each make our own separate dinners and often marvel what the other has created!
Liza, have you written about cooking separate dinners? We are firm believers in separate bathrooms, and I know of a couple who take separate cabs to the airport because they can’t agree how early (or late) to arrive. But you’re onto a new one, and I would love to read about it. In the early days of our long marriage, I thought my husband should cook half the dinners. He got out of it by cooking meals I couldn’t stand, like corned beef hash with canned meat and instant mashed.
Separate bathrooms AND bedrooms!
I have a story about separate bedrooms. My daughter’s childhood friends apparently used to tell her to “be prepared for your parents to divorce”. She would always say it’s not on the horizon, and they would tell her it’s better to be prepared. She’s 25 now. I told her it’s BECAUSE separate bedrooms, and now that we’re empty nesters, separate bathrooms.
We both worked full time, so cooking dinner never really was a gender-based activity. Once we were empty nesters, it became easy to transition to separate meals. Husband Nick would say my strategy was to wait until he started his meal and then then take a peek and if I liked it ask if I could share! Now our tastes have diverged. I am more vegetarian, he likes red meat. He also eats a lot of fish, which I don't like. I do rise to the occasion when we entertain - he prepares the protein, I do the rest, including desserts. Our system works beautifully.
Yes, you should write this.