Hi friend! I understood exactly what you spoke of with regard to childhood friendship. I was lonely and frustrated as a child. It was so hard for me to find my person/people. My best friend arrived when I was 12, and then she left at 13, and returned to me at 14. The one year gap was terrifically painful, as I didn't understand why she deserted. I found out upon her return, and gave her a pass, because I missed her so. Friendship as an adult has been easier, there are a lot of people in my world whom I love and am loved by. Maintaining friendship for me, requires a willingness to stay connected...but also a commitment to making that connection by reaching out, not becoming resentful if I'm always the one making the connection, (why don't they call me?) and owning it when I drop out of sight (which I often do). We are busy in our insular lives. I have more understanding of that, and don't feel hurt as easily as I used to. And then, there are those special friends. The ones I might not talk with for years, but the minute we reconnect, it's like no time has passed at all. And my friends? They're gold. Love you, Rona.
Oh, those “It’s as if no time has passed” people! The friendship stays green somehow. I too have a way of dropping from sight, so am patient with this habit in others. Love you back, Nan!
Sometimes I think I am the luckiest person in the world. In high school, I was part of a tight circle of friends (girls and guys) that never disbanded. We were neither prom king or queen material nor nerds. We managed to be semi-invisible by falling somewhere in-between. We called ourselves 'the gang'.
We all married and brought our partners into the fold. We had kids and lost parents but never lost touch with each other. It has been more than five decades since we first got together, but we still see each other regularly.
Two weeks ago, the 12 of us gathered for a pot luck lunch. Yes, we're older (and hopefully wiser). The men have lost their hair, the women's hair is gray and we're all a little heavier. But whatever it was that drew us together in the first place is still strong and vibrant.
That’s awesome that you stayed friends so long! ❤️❤️❤️ I do think, besides the love and connection you all feel for each other, what undergirds all that is deliberate connection—never losing touch, getting together regularly. That’s the secret sauce I think!
I am in my mid 60s. I am divorced. I have made two new friends in the last year at a DC Meetup group and at the gym. The best way to make a new friend is to ask them about themselves. As a journalist, I was trained to remember little details that could add color to a story. The next step is to text, email or call your new acquaintance and suggest getting together. Be brave. It pays in dividends! I am also a big believer in regularly emailing to distant friends. I have emailed once a week to my friend in Perth for the last decade. We share our week’s stories and joys (and sometimes sadness too). I have promised to visit her now that I am retiring. Friends make life wonderful. Rona, I loved this post. (Woof from my Golden Retriever Parker.)
This is lovely, Rona. I often think about Elizabeth Gilbert saying her friends are the real love of her life. My mini-project for December has been to reach out to a friend every day. Gifts!
I love this post so much, especially in light of the post that I wrote and my own difficulties with making close friends. Someone suggested it was due to female competitiveness. It makes me terribly sad. My MFA and this Substack has opened some doors to friendship for which I am grateful at the age of 50. I love that Stanley Kunitz poem as well. Those first two lines you quote are just heartbreaking. I’ve been sad all week about this “friend” who cyberbullied me because I was nothing but nice to her, and she was full of this private vitriol — at the age of 76 (26 years my senior). I think being starved of female friendships made me susceptible to her abuse and more willing to tolerate her trespasses to the point where it had gone too far.
Zina, I saw your post about cyberbullying and was troubled on your behalf. I think she may have sensed you would be easy to wound. I am asking the universe, “Don’t let Zina come to harm.” If anyone else goes after you, block them without delay. There’s a world of friendship waiting for you. That’s the main thing.
Everything valuable needs maintenance and friendship is no different...I am a wanderer, living aboard a sailing Yacht, and I seek friends wherever life goes...but my treasured ones are like yours, a constant. I lost my mother 22 years ago, I'm 56, and she had carefully kept together such an amazing group of strong women over her lifetime that I have chosen to stay in touch with several of them. It is spectacularly rewarding and keeps her alive for all of us.
...and yes, I still talk to Mom, she was my best friend ever. I also believe she reaches back.
I love the sentiment here. And agree we should tell our friends that we value and love them. I am in my 50s and have been making new friends through helping in the community and my singing group. I jump at the chance to try new activities and love learning something new with a group of people (a play, burlesque, spoken word). I am lucky that I live in an active village with a huge focus on community. If I didn’t I would have to move !
I think it has gotten easier over time. My biggest tip for sparking a friendship is to do things you enjoy outside of your home. Take up hobbies and invest time in them. Nurturing friendships has become dead simple. Be the one to schedule a call. “It’s been a while and I’d love to catch up and hear about your life. Does this weekend work?” Then don’t cancel, jot down a few notes during the call about something they’re looking forward to and then make a point to reach out again. It’s a blessing in life to be remembered on a random Tuesday.
“Don’t cancel.” Glad you mentioned that. I’ve been on both ends of cancellation for the sake of convenience. It’s an insidious habit, more costly than it seems at the time.
Rona, not only are your thoughts so beautifully composed, but, with a surgeon's precision, describe deeply buried emotions that I have felt, too. Having been a "military brat" my friends came and went with each move. Our final move during my sophomore year was to NH where transients were rare, especially compared to military bases. Every classmate knew each other since kindergarten and long-standing cliques were impenetrable fortresses. After a year, a few other new kids moved in and - wah la - instant friends. In that lonely first year, though, I felt so out of place, but it taught me to always welcome in the newcomers whether it be to the workplace or neighborhood, and they almost always became friends.
A while ago I wrote about what I considered my inability to make friends early in life because I felt different and less than. When I did connect with someone, I seem to cling way too hard and was devastated when that friendship dissipated. As I grew so did my ability to listen and simply be there for others when they needed me. But this felt one-sided because I didn’t share my own thoughts for fear of losing the friendship. I was often, the unpaid counselor.
It took moving away from all things familiar to a place where no one knew me or my history to connect with people that filled me up in different ways, deeper ways. At 65, I’m still figuring out the concept of friendship and I’m okay with that because life is a constant evolution which makes it beautiful and intriguing.
Yes, I was also the weirdo at the edge of the playground. It didn't help that my heart condition prevented me from attending gym class or playing sports with the other kids. So I sat and read. Sarcasm was my shield. If I was asked, "Why don't you have any friends?" I would have retorted, "Why are you so stupid and ugly?" Probably another reason for my lack of friends. I presented myself like a porcupine. Even as an adult, I bristled with spikes upon approach, ever ready to defend myself. Now, I'm older, with few friends. Still, I try to stay connected, even when I don't really feel up to it.
Now, why didn't I think of that retort? My sarcastic streak wasn't quite up to it. Seriously, though, I get the porcupine image. Thank you, Dawn, for sharing your experience.
Relatable reading, especially the playground scenario. I was the weedy runty girl, hopeless at sports, and I lived on the wrong side of the village. My classmates resided near to the school, but I lived on the perimeter, next to the cemetery. By this logistic, I was deemed creepy and an outsider. A matter of a mere mile.
Things improved during my teenage years, attending college outside of the village. I had a variety of friendships that made me realise I was okay. Villagers can be weird. Villagers can be insular. I know some of those playground bullies didn’t fare well once they went to ‘big school’!
Be good, be kind to those that love you. Listen to them with an open mind. Try not to judge, even if you don’t agree! My thoughts on being a friend.
It’s not easy, especially if you’ve moved around a lot as I have done. Too many see-saw friendships, reciprocal one minute then not the next. When friends take more than they give, it’s not healthy and you end up feeling used.
The outsider experience makes you resilient through!
After forty years, I recently reconnected with (my only) friend from high school. We'd drifted apart after she married, moved to another city and started a family. Last year, I read a book which reminded me of her family circumstances and I thought of her for the first time in decades. Social media made it easy to find her and I sent a message about the book. She responded with excitement and we made plans for a phone call.
Her voice had the same tone and cadence, reminding me of the strong, outgoing, and sociable girl I'd known in high school. I'd been quiet, shy, and guarded, which begs the question of how we'd connected. We caught up on our very different lives over a few phone calls, eventually landing on our time in high school.
Very quickly, we confided in each other something we'd never shared before. As children of European immigrants, we'd realized our lives were different from most of our peers. But we hadn't shared the fact that our homes were marred by alcohol and physical violence and mothers who stood by and did nothing. And how much shame we carried because of this. And how we didn't know then that we could make a different life for ourselves. Perhaps our high school connection was based on some recognition of shared experience through a look, a word, or an energy that defied understanding.
When we met for lunch this past summer, we hugged each other, hanging on for dear life, sending those hugs back in time to our younger selves. There’s a special kind of love for this friend, who knew me and loved me before I learned to love myself.
What a beautiful story, Margaret. Thank you for sharing it. I too discovered, decades after high school, that some of my classmates were quietly carrying terrible burdens--not only parental alcoholism, like me (never said a word) but physical abuse. Shame silences so many kids who are hungry for connection.
I enjoyed this story so much, Rona. When we moved to North Carolina from Florida, I found my friend from kindergarten. She lives about 30 minutes away. We were friends throughout childhood but lost touch as people do. Now, sharing memories is like having a sibling. We were in Girl Scouts together where we sang rounds.
"Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold."
Thank you, Eileen. As for precious metals, it's mutual. And I too have what I call a "new old friend," as do quite a few of us here (a topic in itself). I'm glad you pulled up a chair at my virtual hearthside.
I needed the courage of your words today. I’ll be 70 in a couple of months and, after a move three years ago to our chosen retirement city, have found new friendships with women my age difficult to establish. Interestingly, I have met younger women here with whom I share a sweet rapport. However, I do have precious friends my age in other cities where I’ve lived in the past. We talk on the phone but I crave the in-person sense of connection. You’ve inspired me to pursue more face-to-face time in the new year with old friends and new.
Maybe the women your own age should try being a little more adventuresome? Here’s to younger friends, though. My mother had many of daughterly age. They enriched her life, and it was mutual. Maybe there’s some friendship travel in story for you in 2025.
I loved this writing Rona, your musings are deeply thoughtful. Our need for each other is real, and often painful too. At 70, I am wondering and also fascinated by how hard we make life on ourselves and others. I was reading on a friend's FB post today about betrayals, mostly between friends, but hints at partnership betrayals too. I remember school days and how difficult and hurtful it felt to be on the outside of friendships, whether a big group of girls, or just two who considered any other person a threat to the friendship. I often experienced the jealousy of girls who were threatened by my desire to be friends with "their" friend. Those years is a painful chapter about children's capacity for exclusion & cruelty. I am amazed that for some people the behavior of those days of early girlhood are still quite alive. I really just do not understand that. My adult friendships for decades have been heart filling and far from playground experiences, and those of middle & high school. There are been less than a handful of friends whose friendship has withered. Sometimes it's been because a few freinds in mind needed me for their benefit and weren't looking to have much of a reciprocal give & take, others it has been because time & circumstances have diminished time together. I have made many wonderful friends since my time has been freed up -- mostly by working on community building projects -- libraries, schools, and other causes that bring people together with like-minded desire to support essential & vital services needed by all of us at one time or another. One such friend who died two years ago was one of my all time favorite people on the planet. Her name was Linda, and she was brilliant, so much fun, and so funny. She dedicated herself to good causes, was a fabulous MC, had a memory like a steel trap, enjoyed singing in a choir with her husband, and writing mystery novels. When we first started working together on the building of our new local library in 2009, she said "gosh I thought my rolodex was full!, I never knew I could and would meet a person that I loved so much later in my life." I miss her in the same measure as I am grateful for her friendship. We are each other's heart & life boat. And time is short. Much love to you Rona, I've had such a wonderful long friendship with your sister, another marvel and gift in my life. xx
Karen, I recognize your name and know of your close friendship with my sister, who has brought me so many readers. I love Linda's observation that she didn't know she could or would meet a beloved friend later in life. The heart will always expand if you let it, but many people give up early on making new friends. Thank you for sharing your insights.
Hi friend! I understood exactly what you spoke of with regard to childhood friendship. I was lonely and frustrated as a child. It was so hard for me to find my person/people. My best friend arrived when I was 12, and then she left at 13, and returned to me at 14. The one year gap was terrifically painful, as I didn't understand why she deserted. I found out upon her return, and gave her a pass, because I missed her so. Friendship as an adult has been easier, there are a lot of people in my world whom I love and am loved by. Maintaining friendship for me, requires a willingness to stay connected...but also a commitment to making that connection by reaching out, not becoming resentful if I'm always the one making the connection, (why don't they call me?) and owning it when I drop out of sight (which I often do). We are busy in our insular lives. I have more understanding of that, and don't feel hurt as easily as I used to. And then, there are those special friends. The ones I might not talk with for years, but the minute we reconnect, it's like no time has passed at all. And my friends? They're gold. Love you, Rona.
Oh, those “It’s as if no time has passed” people! The friendship stays green somehow. I too have a way of dropping from sight, so am patient with this habit in others. Love you back, Nan!
Exactly. xo
Sometimes I think I am the luckiest person in the world. In high school, I was part of a tight circle of friends (girls and guys) that never disbanded. We were neither prom king or queen material nor nerds. We managed to be semi-invisible by falling somewhere in-between. We called ourselves 'the gang'.
We all married and brought our partners into the fold. We had kids and lost parents but never lost touch with each other. It has been more than five decades since we first got together, but we still see each other regularly.
Two weeks ago, the 12 of us gathered for a pot luck lunch. Yes, we're older (and hopefully wiser). The men have lost their hair, the women's hair is gray and we're all a little heavier. But whatever it was that drew us together in the first place is still strong and vibrant.
That’s awesome that you stayed friends so long! ❤️❤️❤️ I do think, besides the love and connection you all feel for each other, what undergirds all that is deliberate connection—never losing touch, getting together regularly. That’s the secret sauce I think!
I think you’re right. Creating ways of keeping in touch (meals, outings, phone calls, etc.) is definitely key to our lasting friendship!
Wow! I’ve never heard a story like yours, in which a whole group sticks together through the years. Thank you, Linda. I hope you’ll write about this.
I am in my mid 60s. I am divorced. I have made two new friends in the last year at a DC Meetup group and at the gym. The best way to make a new friend is to ask them about themselves. As a journalist, I was trained to remember little details that could add color to a story. The next step is to text, email or call your new acquaintance and suggest getting together. Be brave. It pays in dividends! I am also a big believer in regularly emailing to distant friends. I have emailed once a week to my friend in Perth for the last decade. We share our week’s stories and joys (and sometimes sadness too). I have promised to visit her now that I am retiring. Friends make life wonderful. Rona, I loved this post. (Woof from my Golden Retriever Parker.)
And I loved your comment, Terri. Wonderful advice! Casey the rescue mutt says woof to Parker.
This is lovely, Rona. I often think about Elizabeth Gilbert saying her friends are the real love of her life. My mini-project for December has been to reach out to a friend every day. Gifts!
That’ll keep you busy, Mary. You must have lots and lots of friends. As this project unfolds, there will be more and more.
I love this post so much, especially in light of the post that I wrote and my own difficulties with making close friends. Someone suggested it was due to female competitiveness. It makes me terribly sad. My MFA and this Substack has opened some doors to friendship for which I am grateful at the age of 50. I love that Stanley Kunitz poem as well. Those first two lines you quote are just heartbreaking. I’ve been sad all week about this “friend” who cyberbullied me because I was nothing but nice to her, and she was full of this private vitriol — at the age of 76 (26 years my senior). I think being starved of female friendships made me susceptible to her abuse and more willing to tolerate her trespasses to the point where it had gone too far.
Zina, I saw your post about cyberbullying and was troubled on your behalf. I think she may have sensed you would be easy to wound. I am asking the universe, “Don’t let Zina come to harm.” If anyone else goes after you, block them without delay. There’s a world of friendship waiting for you. That’s the main thing.
Everything valuable needs maintenance and friendship is no different...I am a wanderer, living aboard a sailing Yacht, and I seek friends wherever life goes...but my treasured ones are like yours, a constant. I lost my mother 22 years ago, I'm 56, and she had carefully kept together such an amazing group of strong women over her lifetime that I have chosen to stay in touch with several of them. It is spectacularly rewarding and keeps her alive for all of us.
...and yes, I still talk to Mom, she was my best friend ever. I also believe she reaches back.
Well said, Janice. Why didn’t I think of that point about maintenance? Thank you for sharing your experience.
I love the sentiment here. And agree we should tell our friends that we value and love them. I am in my 50s and have been making new friends through helping in the community and my singing group. I jump at the chance to try new activities and love learning something new with a group of people (a play, burlesque, spoken word). I am lucky that I live in an active village with a huge focus on community. If I didn’t I would have to move !
Beth, you could be a friendship coach (maybe it should be a thing). You will never be lonely—or bored, almost as bad.
I think it has gotten easier over time. My biggest tip for sparking a friendship is to do things you enjoy outside of your home. Take up hobbies and invest time in them. Nurturing friendships has become dead simple. Be the one to schedule a call. “It’s been a while and I’d love to catch up and hear about your life. Does this weekend work?” Then don’t cancel, jot down a few notes during the call about something they’re looking forward to and then make a point to reach out again. It’s a blessing in life to be remembered on a random Tuesday.
“Don’t cancel.” Glad you mentioned that. I’ve been on both ends of cancellation for the sake of convenience. It’s an insidious habit, more costly than it seems at the time.
Rona, not only are your thoughts so beautifully composed, but, with a surgeon's precision, describe deeply buried emotions that I have felt, too. Having been a "military brat" my friends came and went with each move. Our final move during my sophomore year was to NH where transients were rare, especially compared to military bases. Every classmate knew each other since kindergarten and long-standing cliques were impenetrable fortresses. After a year, a few other new kids moved in and - wah la - instant friends. In that lonely first year, though, I felt so out of place, but it taught me to always welcome in the newcomers whether it be to the workplace or neighborhood, and they almost always became friends.
Thank you, Rosemarie. It's good to see you here. What a great example you're setting for others (me included).
A while ago I wrote about what I considered my inability to make friends early in life because I felt different and less than. When I did connect with someone, I seem to cling way too hard and was devastated when that friendship dissipated. As I grew so did my ability to listen and simply be there for others when they needed me. But this felt one-sided because I didn’t share my own thoughts for fear of losing the friendship. I was often, the unpaid counselor.
It took moving away from all things familiar to a place where no one knew me or my history to connect with people that filled me up in different ways, deeper ways. At 65, I’m still figuring out the concept of friendship and I’m okay with that because life is a constant evolution which makes it beautiful and intriguing.
The unpaid counselor! So many of us have been there.
Yes, I was also the weirdo at the edge of the playground. It didn't help that my heart condition prevented me from attending gym class or playing sports with the other kids. So I sat and read. Sarcasm was my shield. If I was asked, "Why don't you have any friends?" I would have retorted, "Why are you so stupid and ugly?" Probably another reason for my lack of friends. I presented myself like a porcupine. Even as an adult, I bristled with spikes upon approach, ever ready to defend myself. Now, I'm older, with few friends. Still, I try to stay connected, even when I don't really feel up to it.
Now, why didn't I think of that retort? My sarcastic streak wasn't quite up to it. Seriously, though, I get the porcupine image. Thank you, Dawn, for sharing your experience.
Relatable reading, especially the playground scenario. I was the weedy runty girl, hopeless at sports, and I lived on the wrong side of the village. My classmates resided near to the school, but I lived on the perimeter, next to the cemetery. By this logistic, I was deemed creepy and an outsider. A matter of a mere mile.
Things improved during my teenage years, attending college outside of the village. I had a variety of friendships that made me realise I was okay. Villagers can be weird. Villagers can be insular. I know some of those playground bullies didn’t fare well once they went to ‘big school’!
Be good, be kind to those that love you. Listen to them with an open mind. Try not to judge, even if you don’t agree! My thoughts on being a friend.
It’s not easy, especially if you’ve moved around a lot as I have done. Too many see-saw friendships, reciprocal one minute then not the next. When friends take more than they give, it’s not healthy and you end up feeling used.
The outsider experience makes you resilient through!
Great point about reciprocity, Gaynor. I let a friendship go for this reason. Thank you for chiming in.
After forty years, I recently reconnected with (my only) friend from high school. We'd drifted apart after she married, moved to another city and started a family. Last year, I read a book which reminded me of her family circumstances and I thought of her for the first time in decades. Social media made it easy to find her and I sent a message about the book. She responded with excitement and we made plans for a phone call.
Her voice had the same tone and cadence, reminding me of the strong, outgoing, and sociable girl I'd known in high school. I'd been quiet, shy, and guarded, which begs the question of how we'd connected. We caught up on our very different lives over a few phone calls, eventually landing on our time in high school.
Very quickly, we confided in each other something we'd never shared before. As children of European immigrants, we'd realized our lives were different from most of our peers. But we hadn't shared the fact that our homes were marred by alcohol and physical violence and mothers who stood by and did nothing. And how much shame we carried because of this. And how we didn't know then that we could make a different life for ourselves. Perhaps our high school connection was based on some recognition of shared experience through a look, a word, or an energy that defied understanding.
When we met for lunch this past summer, we hugged each other, hanging on for dear life, sending those hugs back in time to our younger selves. There’s a special kind of love for this friend, who knew me and loved me before I learned to love myself.
What a beautiful story, Margaret. Thank you for sharing it. I too discovered, decades after high school, that some of my classmates were quietly carrying terrible burdens--not only parental alcoholism, like me (never said a word) but physical abuse. Shame silences so many kids who are hungry for connection.
I enjoyed this story so much, Rona. When we moved to North Carolina from Florida, I found my friend from kindergarten. She lives about 30 minutes away. We were friends throughout childhood but lost touch as people do. Now, sharing memories is like having a sibling. We were in Girl Scouts together where we sang rounds.
"Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold."
I think of you as one of those precious metals.
Thank you, Eileen. As for precious metals, it's mutual. And I too have what I call a "new old friend," as do quite a few of us here (a topic in itself). I'm glad you pulled up a chair at my virtual hearthside.
I needed the courage of your words today. I’ll be 70 in a couple of months and, after a move three years ago to our chosen retirement city, have found new friendships with women my age difficult to establish. Interestingly, I have met younger women here with whom I share a sweet rapport. However, I do have precious friends my age in other cities where I’ve lived in the past. We talk on the phone but I crave the in-person sense of connection. You’ve inspired me to pursue more face-to-face time in the new year with old friends and new.
Maybe the women your own age should try being a little more adventuresome? Here’s to younger friends, though. My mother had many of daughterly age. They enriched her life, and it was mutual. Maybe there’s some friendship travel in story for you in 2025.
I love new adventures. 😊
I loved this writing Rona, your musings are deeply thoughtful. Our need for each other is real, and often painful too. At 70, I am wondering and also fascinated by how hard we make life on ourselves and others. I was reading on a friend's FB post today about betrayals, mostly between friends, but hints at partnership betrayals too. I remember school days and how difficult and hurtful it felt to be on the outside of friendships, whether a big group of girls, or just two who considered any other person a threat to the friendship. I often experienced the jealousy of girls who were threatened by my desire to be friends with "their" friend. Those years is a painful chapter about children's capacity for exclusion & cruelty. I am amazed that for some people the behavior of those days of early girlhood are still quite alive. I really just do not understand that. My adult friendships for decades have been heart filling and far from playground experiences, and those of middle & high school. There are been less than a handful of friends whose friendship has withered. Sometimes it's been because a few freinds in mind needed me for their benefit and weren't looking to have much of a reciprocal give & take, others it has been because time & circumstances have diminished time together. I have made many wonderful friends since my time has been freed up -- mostly by working on community building projects -- libraries, schools, and other causes that bring people together with like-minded desire to support essential & vital services needed by all of us at one time or another. One such friend who died two years ago was one of my all time favorite people on the planet. Her name was Linda, and she was brilliant, so much fun, and so funny. She dedicated herself to good causes, was a fabulous MC, had a memory like a steel trap, enjoyed singing in a choir with her husband, and writing mystery novels. When we first started working together on the building of our new local library in 2009, she said "gosh I thought my rolodex was full!, I never knew I could and would meet a person that I loved so much later in my life." I miss her in the same measure as I am grateful for her friendship. We are each other's heart & life boat. And time is short. Much love to you Rona, I've had such a wonderful long friendship with your sister, another marvel and gift in my life. xx
Karen, I recognize your name and know of your close friendship with my sister, who has brought me so many readers. I love Linda's observation that she didn't know she could or would meet a beloved friend later in life. The heart will always expand if you let it, but many people give up early on making new friends. Thank you for sharing your insights.
Looked back after reading our reply and saw proofing my comment would have been a good idea. LOL. Grammar, autocorrect and typo wildness, oh my.